With 1 week left of a 10 week school holiday I feel a sense of desire to know what I have accomplished these past 9 weeks and how it will move me forward in this journey we call life. The questions are many and most unanswered. My mindfulness reminds me of the process of simply being, of the presence of that pesky ego and of the many doubts I harbor. Where am I going, when, with whom, am I on the right road, is it Gods will and how will I know? After a meditation or prayer session I feel the peace and the desire for extended quiet. I am reminded of my place in this universe and of being other than all of my physicality's, yet I am equally drawn toward the doing of more, of different, of better ideas, plans, suggestions for myself and others. I ponder how to fix, support, change, accomplish and heal. OH MY GOODNESS, here I go again, out of the present and into the past and future.
I come to the ocean, my place of infinite possibilities. Robert Moses State Park (field 3), a beautiful day; quiet, breezy, sunny and tranquil. Perfect! I have had many days here. Some 50 plus years ago I was brought here by my parents on a ferry from Long Island. The bridge yet to be built. In the fall of 2006, I brought my father here shortly before his death. I didn't know then, as he walked toward the ocean and stood alone gazing into the vastness that he was saying goodbye to a place he courted my mother and taught his children to ride the surf. His strength and confidence gone that day. Today, I find it lives inside of me as I sit here remembering the many gifts he shared by loving the ocean as he did.
This summer has been remarkable in ways I seem to dismiss when I focus on tomorrow. The "Angels" helped me to manifest my dream beach house, a vacation I shared with my children and grandson. My son and his wife conceived a child and remained faithful when they were told the pregnancy was at risk. They endured the fear that news provoked and triumphed in the end. Our "butternut" will arrive in the late winter and our family is rejoicing at the glory of God and the miracle this baby has already become.
As August approached I sensed a need to go deeper into my being. I had a desire to establish a practice of self care that would sustain me through the next phase of my life. As I recommitted myself to the practice of yoga on my mat I opened up to the idea of embracing my sister Susan Hayden as my teacher. Susan has been studying mindfulness meditation with her teacher at a monastery in North Carolina. I knew I needed to spend more time in meditation yet I found it increasingly difficult to sit still for any amount of time. I also knew that if I wanted to be true to a healthier life style I needed to take a seriously look at the foods and thoughts I allowed access to my body. Susan had spent the better part of a year establishing Morgan Hill Retreat House. After our fathers death and a near fatal car accident she retreated to her home in the mountains of North Carolina. Her time there brought great healing, insight and a commitment to serve. I asked her to help me, she humbly agreed.
On July 24th (2010) I returned from the beach house and went directly to her home in Bay Shore. It was on her porch that day that we continued on our journey as sisters, friends, student and teacher. My sister has always been a person I adore. As her 8 year senior, I remember the night she was born. I treasure her beautiful being and the uniqueness she has carried with her from the beginning of time. It is an honor to be able to say this and it comes from a place deep inside of me. It has not always been easy for us to be who we desire to be in each others lives. The blessing is that we always return and in each return the gift that is offered is received. As women approaching the 2nd half of live, we have committed to walk together and I know this is Gods will for us.
In many ways Susan has not changed from the generous, courageous, insightful, heart centered 2 year old that danced around our house in her topless bathing suit and cowgirls boots. She entertained us, befriended all she met, stole the hearts of many, brought home the weary, challenged herself to greatness, bore her burdens silently and continued to dream of making a difference. It does not surprise, yet delights me that she travels to those that need her support and healing. Life has taught her much about pain and suffering as well as strength, mercy and rejoicing.
So here we are, on her porch and I am learning about sitting still, honoring my experiences, listening to my body and breathing. We share our thoughts and ideas for what seems like minutes and yet hours have gone by. Being in her presence is timeless. She is honest, forthright, confident, humble and open. She explains to me that we are partners in this journey. She teaches me to listen and trust myself.
Susan traveled back and forth from Long Island to Saratoga to North Carolina all month. We kept in communication often as I shared my experiences of all we were working on together. With her guidance I began to emulsify veggies and fruits and I began to practice mindful mediation. At those moments, and there were some duzzies, when I simply forgot the power to balance my mind by breathing I would call her. Her calm voice instructed me on the steps I need to take in order to change the patterns that were established long ago. Without judgment or impatience she listened. I gathered the courage to be honest and authentic with her and she listened some more. I found myself relaxing and more willing to allow the newness to embrace me. Maybe, just maybe I can let go a bit more? It is similar to the postures I struggle with on the yoga mat. My lack of flexibility on the mat mimics the struggle I have with my mind and emotions. I am slowly learning to trust the breath. Having a teacher in invaluable......having your sister as your teacher is the ultimate blessing.
Today is September 1st. I return to work tomorrow and my "teacher" prepares to return to her home in North Carolina for a more extended period of time. As she renews her vows to herself surrounded by the very nature that brought her wholeness as a child I pray that God blesses her with the knowing the she is exactly where she needs to be, doing the will of our father in heaven.
With deep gratitude and love that you have chosen me as your sister,
Debra
It affects everyone!
Three Baskets of Asheville
